“Hello, this is Miami Herald Customer Service. How may I help you, Mrs. Sawffer?”
Finally. Getting a person on the phone was not easy, and the online customer service had no ability to handle my request.
“SOOOOOOFFER,” I said, correcting the common mistake. “My name is Patty SOOOOOOOOffer.”
“Thank you Mrs. Sawffer. I will make a note of that. Is your email still pat.sawffer@sawffercollective.com?” she continued, no hint of irony in her voice.
“It’s pat.soffer@soffercollective.com,” I answered. “With an ‘o’ as in ‘ornery,’” which is how I was starting to feel.
“Oh, thank you Mrs. Sawffer,” she said. “What can I help you with today?”
I decided to forge ahead on my bigger mission, clear I was not to win this battle.
“I am calling to cancel my weekday subscription to your newspaper, ” I replied. “I want to receive the Herald on Sundays only,” I added.
Ok, Mrs. Sawffer,” she said. “I can go ahead and do that. Let’s just put you down for our Thursday thru Sunday home delivery.”

Huh?
“Please,” I said, “just sign me up for Sunday home delivery ONLY, and cancel my weekday subscription.”
“Ok, Mrs. Sawffer,” she said. “I can do that. You know we have an in-depth TV section that we will include in your daily delivery for 50 cents extra a day. Let me just put you down for that.”
Freaking insane. Totally freaking insane.
“Please,” I said, removing her metaphorical claws from my virtual piggy bank. ”Just cancel my weekday and set me up for Sunday only.”
“Mrs. Sawffer,” she said, having her own conversation. “So I’ll just go ahead and suspend your weekday home delivery service effective three weeks from now, and you will call us when you want reinstatement, ok?”
Parallel universe? Zombie planet?
“Ma’am,” I said, digging deep. “Listen to me. I want to cancel my weekday home delivery effective this very minute.”
“So,” she said, “Mrs. Sawffer, you’ll love the discount on your weekly delivery, along with coupons good for valuable products and services, and your very own web account.”
Ever see that annoying Bill Murray movie, “What About Bob”?
“Please stop,” I begged, like a victim pleading with her captor. “I want to cancel my weekday service. I don’t want coupons or TV listings and I don’t want your online newspaper. I ONLY WANT YOUR SUNDAY HOME DELIVERY.”
“Ok, Mrs. Sawffer, I’ve got it. Starting Sunday, August 15th, you will be on Sunday home delivery only.”
Today is July 23.
I couldn’t stop myself.
“Cancel my entire subscription,” I said. “I don’t ever want to see your paper again, on my porch or anywhere near my house.”
Then I hung up and did what I should have done from the start: I removed the Miami Herald from my bank’s autopay.
And as I did, it became clear to me that I was part of the tug-of-war that is online - v - print.
Her role was to keep me at all costs. Mine was to eliminate cost.
There’s something a little sad about all this. My background is 30 years of print. The Soffer Colle+ive placed millions of dollars of advertising media each year - in the Miami Herald.
Progress sure leaves a bloody trail.
Posted by Patty Soffer under Business & Economy & The Collec+ive & Uncategorized | No Comments »